Back on the Grid

After a few months of being internetless, I'm back folks.

It's kinda bittersweet to tell the truth. I had four channels and no internet except on my phone for... almost six months? I used a lot of phone data during that time, but for the most part, I was pretty productive.

In that time I completed my month long journey to becoming a #scratchpaperpoet. I spent a lot of time on the phone with friends. I even picked up cross stitching again. I'm officially into grandma hobbies and proud of it.

God has been taking me on a crazy ride lately. I feel like he's teaching me how to be pursued, which is something I'm not that familiar with. Over the past few years since I moved home after FOCUS, I've had ups and downs with prayer, but in 3 years I haven't had a regular prayer schedule or a desire to go to Mass. I think I just kept looking for someone to invest in me, or a group of friends to fill me up. I didn't realize that the first place to start if I wanted to be filled was to empty myself. Now I'm leading two small groups, 8th grade girls on Wednesday and 9th grade girls on Sunday. I knew I'd need to be holy if I was going to lead them, so starting this summer, I've been pretty regularly attending Wednesday Mass and praying for a while before Mass when I can. Slowly, my heart has been more and more opened to Jesus and He has been steadfast. He's probably been doing the same things all along I just never took the time to notice. It's been such a sweet period of consolation for me. Of course I'm still distracted in prayer and during Mass sometimes, but when I get to the church and see Jesus my heart just sighs and I feel like everything is right. I've also had a much more intense desire to know the Holy Spirit and see how he works in my life than I ever have before. Plus, I'm reading Pope Francis's Evangelii Gaudium, which is amazing, I feel like he's speaking directly to me, and his heart for the poor is rubbing off on me. How can I call myself a real Christian if I don't love Jesus in the poor in my backyard?

In case I'm ever reading this blog when I'm stuck in the doldrums of desolation and I can't feel Jesus:
God is real. He makes Himself known to you in the deepest desires of your heart. Even if you can't feel Him or don't trust that He has a good plan for you, keep being faithful to the Sacraments, especially the Mass and Reconciliation. He has gone to the ends of the earth with your name on His lips and He holds you into existence in every moment. He is perfectly just and perfectly merciful. He loves you immensely even though you are a terrible sinner. He knows you better than you know yourself, and He loves you and wants to hold you close to Him. He will do anything to direct your gaze towards Himself. Keep praying, even when it's difficult. Suffering can be redemptive if you offer it to the One who suffered for your soul.

In your charity, please pray for my girls! They have to put up with me asking them questions all school year long to try to get them to self realize that they need Jesus!

Michael, Raphael, and Gabriel, pray for us.

The Sinful Woman

A dark storm, she cries. She wets Jesus’ feet with her tears. She “rains,” it reads; in the original Greek Brecho. She rains, she’s this brecho that breaks. 

She’s this full rain, falling. 

She’s this heart-water let loose. 

Him so pure and his feet so dirty. Her so filthy and Him  her only purity.

Will anyone was his feet with their love?

And that woman, she has no pitcher but she has passion—the kind no Pharisee could ever understand, and she has no water but she has her heart.

She pours it out. She pours it out. 

And with no towel but tresses, no hand cloth but her hair, she does the unthinkable, the scorned and the disgraced.

When all Jewish women were required to keep their hair done up, lest they be seen as shameful and loose, she lets her locks down.

Rabbis, men of the law, said that if a woman loosed her hair in public, let her hair flow mingled down, it was grounds for divorce. Grounds to be shamed and sent away.

But there is a love far greater than the law. 

That Luke woman, she lets her hair loose, lets her love loose, and she looks loose and there are always Michals who will scorn David’s dancing before the ark.

But Jesus? He lets her kiss Him.

It seems shocking, appalling, too intimate, and this kataphileo, these kisses, this is the same word of the father kissing the prodigal son, a symbolic picture of God embracing, the father falling on the neck of his child and kissing, and doesn’t the whole realm of earth need to be seized with a power of a great affection, “for we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.” (Eph. 5:30)

Ann Voskamp

Travels, Crafts, and More!

Happy Football Season, little bloggles. War Eagle! I'm missing Auburn something fierce right now... and it's still 3 more months until my next trip. BUT I'm going to see my Tigers play in November here in Big Tex.

For some reason I woke up yesterday expecting it to be cool outside. I even got up and made some fudge! I was legitimately confused when I walked outside and it was 99*. Better luck next time.

Like you know, I've done a bit more traveling than is usual for me over the last 3 weeks. I had plans to stop in Kansas City on my way to Illinois for Kelly's wedding but God had better plans, so I ended up in St. Louis. I'd never been to the Cathedral there and I had to hold back tears for the first 20 minutes I was in there. It is so beautiful.

Pictures can't even do it justice.

Then the next week I was in Salt Lake, here are a couple pics from that trip. Highlight: we got to go to Park City, where the Olympics were held. Even though there wasn't any snow on the ground, it was so awesome to feel that cool, crisp air.

Salt flats and the Great Salt Lake from the plane

The Capital of Utah, view from our office in SLC

Since I got back I've been crafting up a storm. Partly because I'm bored, partly because I'm decorating my new cubicle at work. (Maybe buying a Keurig for your cubicle is overboard, but I don't care.) I'm even going back to my grandma roots with the cross stitching.

This was before I finished, it now has a quote from "America the Beautiful" written in the white stripes.

This is hanging on twine now in my office. 

This is a joke, of course. Probably only funny to a financial planner. I'm going to frame it for my desk.

Also, after getting back from SLC, I went on a retreat with the Core Team from my Parish. I gave a talk on discipleship, and it was so fun. I love talking about Jesus. High school students are a tough crowd, I felt myself concerned about whether they liked me, which is a rare sentiment for me. It's going to be an interesting year. I finished the Catechism of the Catholic Church and the Bible Timeline, which I'm excited about. Now to start all over again! Also, I picked up a copy of Pope Francis's Evangelii Gaudium, so I'm pumped to start reading that as well.

Also, I'm starting another Certification. Call me a glutton for punishment. After the CFP, the CLU (Chartered Life Underwriter) only requires 3 more classes, and no comprehensive final exam.... So I figure that I may as well while I'm still in "study mode."

For some really interesting thoughts on Modesty, check out this post. My friend Ross puts into words things I've been thinking about over the past week especially. I love how he comments that immodesty's goals are more realistically accomplished by modesty. It's so true. Similarly related: I have some friends who date a lot, and it seems like they meet losers after losers. That's what you get when you meet guys on Tinder... what kind of men do you expect to meet from a website that is based solely off of a superficial swipe of the finger? It's a paradox. Women want attention, so they dress immodestly to get it, but the attention they get is cheapened by the way they got it. One woman I know commented, "I can't respect someone who would date me based only on this." What's the point?!!

St. Mary Magdalene, pray for us.

Bl. Mother Teresa, pray for us.

11th Wheel

Mini Life Update: I did get the new job, I'm very excited for it, and I'm sitting in a hotel room in Salt Lake City where I will have my training! I'm here with a group of people from Dallas, we went out to dinner and they're out having drinks now but I'm here in my hotel room writing to you. How extroverted am I, really?...

Anyways, you probably know that when I commit to something, I like to give it 110%. I'm diving head first into youth ministry. I never saw myself doing this, but I never saw myself single and almost 26 living at home either, so there you have it. I'm giving a talk at the core team retreat this weekend about discipleship. I haven't given a talk since FOCUS so pray that I'm not too rusty and that Jesus uses me.

I had a meeting with one of the youth ministers last week and I was expressing to him that I needed community. He said his wife just told him they were having people over the very next day and that if I was free I should come. So I did. And there were 5 couples and 8 babies and me.

Being a single Catholic young adult is the second hardest thing I've done in my life so far. (The first was fundraising my salary.) It's so lonely. It seems like most legit Catholics my age are married. I tried to act interested when the women talked about their kids sleep schedule or teething or whatever, so most of the night I sat there and smiled a big fake smile. I thought that with 10 well catechized adults we might be able to have some semblance of a conversation around things that mattered... or at least things that I think matter. I am 100% sure that the guy who invited me did not realize the position I would be in. But I'm also 100%  sure that every wife who was there noted it immediately. They were very kind, but I still felt like a leper. I cried half way home. I wasn't crying because I was sad that I'm not married, but more because I felt embarrassed. I'm not sure why, but that's how I felt. Embarrassed that I was alone. Ashamed of my loneliness.

Also, I used to have this struggle in high school, and maybe it's returned since I work with all men, but I didn't feel like I could relate to the women at all. We're just in completely different places in our lives. The men work outside the home and have things in their lives that I can talk to them about. Both of the youth ministers want to evangelize the kids at our Parish. I could talk about that for days!

I am ambitious. I WANT to be married and stay home and raise lots of babies, but that's not what I'm called to do today, and while I'm waiting for that time to come, I want to accomplish things. I want to climb the corporate ladder, I want to gain knowledge and skills and get shit done. I want to see the world and I want to make a difference.

These women were great women and I'm sure they have a lot in common and a lot of fun together, they just didn't make an effort to make me feel like it's okay that I'm not there yet. I hope that I remember, if/when God calls me to that life, to constantly be inclusive of everyone around me, to keep learning and growing, to have hobbies. I think that will make me a better wife and mom.

St. Anne, pray for me.

This.

The Story of How My Whole Life Changed in One Month

No one liked my poetry? Hmm... rude.

;)

Anyways. 

Speaking of my poetry, my project is still paying dividends for me. I feel like it was the push I need to help me fall back in love with Jesus. Not that I was ever "out of love," I dont know. We went through a rough patch. And I feel like I'm coming out of it! My realization that some most of the time I spend at work and outside of work, I'm doing/saying things that don't matter that much. 

Today is one month from July 1, the day that I told God I was going to start looking at jobs outside of my firm if I hadn't found anything. That was also the day I got the email about the dream job with a glimmer of hope, which postponed the job search. This is what happened next:

I am not moving to Denver because I did not get the dream job. Praise God.

I knew this whole process would be a good opportunity to trust God, and I feel like He's drawn me closer to Himself, and for that I am very thankful.

After I found out I didn't get the job, the way I would describe my emotions is just shock. I thought for sure that all of the stars were falling into place and that this was God's will. After the fact, I was a little shaken because I felt like I couldn't trust my discernment at all. I went to confession for the first time in a while on Saturday, and now I feel more confident in my understanding of why things happened/happen they way they did/do and in my discernment. I think I'm seeing things more clearly now.

I took the day off on Monday and had some good old fashioned water park fun. Afterwards Ciara and I went to Mass. I went again on Wednesday (I usually try to make it) and one of the youth ministers tapped me on the shoulder after Mass. The youth minister said during Mass he'd been reflecting on Matt 9:37-38, "the harvest is plentiful and the laborers are few, so beg the Lord of the harvest to send laborers into the vineyard," and that he felt like God was asking him to talk to me. (We'd never met before.) Long story short- I ended up staying for a meeting and I'm going to be a part of the Core Team this year. During the meeting, the other youth minister who was running it (who I had met before) said that if the Church isn't making disciples, she's failing in her mission. What I heard: if Brittany isn't making disciples, she's failing in her mission. 

After the meeting, there was a Holy Hour and I was praying about how crazy the whole week had been. I realized that real discipleship is what I'd been missing. I've spent the last three years of my life thinking my mission field was my work- with no real plan or ideas of how to go about evangelizing. To my credit, this is why Jesus sent the disciples out two by two, and I've been alone in this.  I told Jesus, "if I have to be single for now (which is another story), I want to be doing this. I need to be making disciples."

I'd been thinking for two years that Denver would solve all of my problems: I'd have friends there, real friends who I could share life with, more convenient Masses and Holy Hours, accountability, roommates maybe. But looking back I feel like I just wanted to run away from here, because here is home and home is hard. 

I called my best and told her all about my new plans, we were both so excited because God has done some crazy things in her life lately too. I told her the only thing missing now was a new job that would keep me here in Dallas, because I'm still really burnt out on my current one, and I need a new challenge, but I now actually feel called to stay here. With the big question mark in the job box, I started to be more open to other paths that I'd previously closed the door on. And what do you know... I met with a manager on Friday just to talk about a job she's hiring for, and she wants to interview me right away... as in... on Monday. The job she's hiring for starts in 3 weeks. The job is very similar to the one in Denver, it's just in the office over the phone instead of on site in person. 

I haven't gotten an offer yet, but I'm SO confident that this is what God wants, and it's all starting to come together. I'll keep you posted!

Lord of the Harvest, have mercy on us. 

Checking off the List

After my rant on artists yesterday, I'm going to showcase one of my recent artistic endeavors.

One of the items on the #30b430 was to write poetry every day for a month.

I finished on June 30 and I was very pleased with the whole exercise.

I learned a lot about myself and I feel like it reignited the spark that was missing in my relationship with God.

Here are some of my favorites. I just took pictures of them because typing them out makes them lose something. As you can see, there were some themes that kept coming back up. I tried to include some that are different from me pleading with God, haha. Enjoy!

St. John Paul the Great, pray for us.