15 December 2013

Fear of Commitment

Guess what new vice has creeped up on me?

Mhmm... yep. That's right.

How did this happen? I have no idea.

The first time I thought that I might have contracted a case of commitophobia was when I was asked to sing in the LifeTeen choir for Advent. (You can read about that a few posts ago... Update: I only made it to one out of the three Sundays I committed to... can you say flaky?) I convinced myself that I just didn't want to do it and didn't want to make the time sacrifices necessary because frankly, I just didn't care. All of those things are true, but my old self would have sucked it up and gone, it's only three Sundays after all.

The second time I thought about it was when I went to look at an apartment that I'm thinking about moving into. With my new job and our company slowing down slightly in how fast people are moving up, the expectation was set that we would be in our current roles for 9 to 12 months before another promotion. So I figured that I should settle down here in Texas for a while and make the most of the situation. That includes a living situation that is homey and comfortable and secure. But even still, the thought of signing a 12 month lease freaks me out! I have no idea why... maybe it's because of my former nomadic lifestyle with FOCUS and even in college, but 12 months is a long time. A lot can happen in 12 months. The what-if's are overwhelming.

Part of it is because I haven't really found my people here in Texas yet. In college and in FOCUS it's so easy to make friends. Everyone has the same set of beliefs as you, everyone cares about your soul, everyone desires your good. The real world just isn't like that. All of the legit Catholics I know are married, so it's really hard to find friends that I connect with on a deeper level. Sure I have "friends" but none of them really know me. And it's bad because I'm starting to wonder if I even know myself anymore.

When I first started working in Corporate America, I felt bad for my co-workers because it seemed like none of them had any depth. But as a sanguine, it's easy for me to forget about anything deeper than the here and now, too. Without praying a holy hour everyday (or really even more than once a week, to be honest), everyone knows that it's going to be hard to know Jesus. But no one told me it'd be hard to know myself too. I guess I should have put two and two together, but sometimes you have to learn things the hard way, you know?

So I'm doing the only thing I can do. I'm facing my fears. I'm committing. Commitment takes sacrifice, and that's something I haven't done much of in the last few months. (I think I know my New Year's Resolution.) 12 months, here I come. I'm calling the apartment company and seeing when I can go sign on the dotted line. Also, I'm cutting 8 inches off of my hair today. I guess it's just time to grab the bull by the horns.

(And in case you're wondering... no... I'm not going back to LifeTeen Choir. Baby steps.)

St. Peter, pray for me.

1 comment:

  1. it took me a full year of working and being in a new city to make good friends, at at a year and a half i finally feel like i have an actual community. no one tells you how hard it is to make meaningful friendships in the real world!