Still Processing

 This week in therapy we did a little more work on some of the vows that I made as a child in response to my dad not being around. 

I've tried to think about things from his perspective and to have compassion for him, but I've also tried to let that little girl inside of me feel her feelings and express them. As an adult I can conjecture that maybe my dad thought I was better off without him, he'd certainly been messed up enough by his own dad that he probably thought no dad was better than him as a dad. Or maybe he just never knew how to be a dad. I'm not sure. When I was a kid though, I tried so hard to act like I didn't need him. He was more like an uncle to me, and I never really felt his absence. But deep down, we're made to be parented by a mother and a father, and even though I couldn't put words to it or probably even express the feeling of an unknown need going unmet, I did need him. And he wasn't there. And that feels unfair. The little girl in me is angry at him for not at least trying. So what did she do? She put up walls. She said I'll never be dependent on someone else. I'm the only one who is reliable, so I'm going to keep everyone else out and just rely on myself. And now I'm having to deal with the consequences of these vows that I made at a young age and the repercussions they've had in my life for thirty years..... which just feeds back into the "I have to do everything (including healing) myself." 

But Jesus did come in along the way to offer me something new. He is someone who is radically dependable, He ALWAYS keeps His promises. He is the definition of reliable, trustworthy, and good. 

So Jesus, I offer you full access to me. I don't want any walls up between us. I will let YOU be provider and protector, and I will do my best to tear down these walls I've built and to renounce these vows and judgments I've made, because I want us to be fully united. I don't want to hold anything of myself back from Your love and Your heart. 

Peace and Insecurities

 In therapy we've been uncovering some of the ways that I rely on myself (instead of God) and some of the wounds that have led to my "I'll do it myself" attitude. This kind of mental work isn't something I'm particularly accustomed to even though I've been in therapy for a long time, and I like to think of myself as decently insightful and introspective. 

The good news is that while this has been going on in my mind for the past few weeks/months, my life has been remarkably peaceful. I'm incredibly grateful for this peace in my life right now because I honestly don't know if I'd be able to do the mental work if I had a lot of drama going on in my life. 

I don't think anyone is reading this, so here comes some extreme vulnerability:
It's really hard for me to get close to men who aren't "off limits" (like, I can be good friends and ONLY friends with men who are married or for whatever reason I cannot date, but if there's even a possibility that I could date them, I have a really hard time getting close to them.) 
This is because I've had my heart broken, right? But who hasn't? 
When I think of someone I'd want to date, I have a strong desire to be planned for. I feel like I've been planning my whole adult life for my vocation, so I want to know that the man I end up with has at least thought of me too. I'm not expecting him to be perfect, or to never have dated anyone, or to have saved money for the future the way I have.... but I do want him to have thought hmmm, someday I'll be married, so I should try to make myself the best man I can be for her. (Is this asking too much? Honestly, maybe.)

I'm realizing that my desire to be provided and protected is normal.... but my desire to be planned for might be on the extreme side, and I think it's because my parents never planned for me. My dad especially never planned for me, and I don't think he made any sacrifices to ensure that I was protected and provided for. This leads me to be judgmental of men who do things that scream "not planning for the future" like sleeping around a lot or not working in or towards a job that could support a family. 

Maybe related but maybe not:
I also think I have a hard time being vulnerable because my biggest insecurity (my body) is the first thing people see when they meet me, so I don't like to open up to people because it's like, they already got my deepest insecurity without even talking to me, I'm not going to let them in and give them any more of me. 

idk. 

Don't worry, Jesus and Lisa and I are figuring it out. (and I'm doing it for me.... but also for my vocation too, a little bit.)