Still Processing

 This week in therapy we did a little more work on some of the vows that I made as a child in response to my dad not being around. 

I've tried to think about things from his perspective and to have compassion for him, but I've also tried to let that little girl inside of me feel her feelings and express them. As an adult I can conjecture that maybe my dad thought I was better off without him, he'd certainly been messed up enough by his own dad that he probably thought no dad was better than him as a dad. Or maybe he just never knew how to be a dad. I'm not sure. When I was a kid though, I tried so hard to act like I didn't need him. He was more like an uncle to me, and I never really felt his absence. But deep down, we're made to be parented by a mother and a father, and even though I couldn't put words to it or probably even express the feeling of an unknown need going unmet, I did need him. And he wasn't there. And that feels unfair. The little girl in me is angry at him for not at least trying. So what did she do? She put up walls. She said I'll never be dependent on someone else. I'm the only one who is reliable, so I'm going to keep everyone else out and just rely on myself. And now I'm having to deal with the consequences of these vows that I made at a young age and the repercussions they've had in my life for thirty years..... which just feeds back into the "I have to do everything (including healing) myself." 

But Jesus did come in along the way to offer me something new. He is someone who is radically dependable, He ALWAYS keeps His promises. He is the definition of reliable, trustworthy, and good. 

So Jesus, I offer you full access to me. I don't want any walls up between us. I will let YOU be provider and protector, and I will do my best to tear down these walls I've built and to renounce these vows and judgments I've made, because I want us to be fully united. I don't want to hold anything of myself back from Your love and Your heart.