Mini Life Update: I did get the new job, I'm very excited for it, and I'm sitting in a hotel room in Salt Lake City where I will have my training! I'm here with a group of people from Dallas, we went out to dinner and they're out having drinks now but I'm here in my hotel room writing to you. How extroverted am I, really?...
Anyways, you probably know that when I commit to something, I like to give it 110%. I'm diving head first into youth ministry. I never saw myself doing this, but I never saw myself single and almost 26 living at home either, so there you have it. I'm giving a talk at the core team retreat this weekend about discipleship. I haven't given a talk since FOCUS so pray that I'm not too rusty and that Jesus uses me.
I had a meeting with one of the youth ministers last week and I was expressing to him that I needed community. He said his wife just told him they were having people over the very next day and that if I was free I should come. So I did. And there were 5 couples and 8 babies and me.
Being a single Catholic young adult is the second hardest thing I've done in my life so far. (The first was fundraising my salary.) It's so lonely. It seems like most legit Catholics my age are married. I tried to act interested when the women talked about their kids sleep schedule or teething or whatever, so most of the night I sat there and smiled a big fake smile. I thought that with 10 well catechized adults we might be able to have some semblance of a conversation around things that mattered... or at least things that I think matter. I am 100% sure that the guy who invited me did not realize the position I would be in. But I'm also 100% sure that every wife who was there noted it immediately. They were very kind, but I still felt like a leper. I cried half way home. I wasn't crying because I was sad that I'm not married, but more because I felt embarrassed. I'm not sure why, but that's how I felt. Embarrassed that I was alone. Ashamed of my loneliness.
Also, I used to have this struggle in high school, and maybe it's returned since I work with all men, but I didn't feel like I could relate to the women at all. We're just in completely different places in our lives. The men work outside the home and have things in their lives that I can talk to them about. Both of the youth ministers want to evangelize the kids at our Parish. I could talk about that for days!
I am ambitious. I WANT to be married and stay home and raise lots of babies, but that's not what I'm called to do today, and while I'm waiting for that time to come, I want to accomplish things. I want to climb the corporate ladder, I want to gain knowledge and skills and get shit done. I want to see the world and I want to make a difference.
These women were great women and I'm sure they have a lot in common and a lot of fun together, they just didn't make an effort to make me feel like it's okay that I'm not there yet. I hope that I remember, if/when God calls me to that life, to constantly be inclusive of everyone around me, to keep learning and growing, to have hobbies. I think that will make me a better wife and mom.
St. Anne, pray for me.
01 August 2015
No one liked my poetry? Hmm... rude.
Speaking of my poetry, my project is still paying dividends for me. I feel like it was the push I need to help me fall back in love with Jesus. Not that I was ever "out of love," I dont know. We went through a rough patch. And I feel like I'm coming out of it! My realization that
some most of the time I spend at work and outside of work, I'm doing/saying things that don't matter that much.
Today is one month from July 1, the day that I told God I was going to start looking at jobs outside of my firm if I hadn't found anything. That was also the day I got the email about the dream job with a glimmer of hope, which postponed the job search. This is what happened next:
I am not moving to Denver because I did not get the dream job. Praise God.
I knew this whole process would be a good opportunity to trust God, and I feel like He's drawn me closer to Himself, and for that I am very thankful.
After I found out I didn't get the job, the way I would describe my emotions is just shock. I thought for sure that all of the stars were falling into place and that this was God's will. After the fact, I was a little shaken because I felt like I couldn't trust my discernment at all. I went to confession for the first time in a while on Saturday, and now I feel more confident in my understanding of why things happened/happen they way they did/do and in my discernment. I think I'm seeing things more clearly now.
I took the day off on Monday and had some good old fashioned water park fun. Afterwards Ciara and I went to Mass. I went again on Wednesday (I usually try to make it) and one of the youth ministers tapped me on the shoulder after Mass. The youth minister said during Mass he'd been reflecting on Matt 9:37-38, "the harvest is plentiful and the laborers are few, so beg the Lord of the harvest to send laborers into the vineyard," and that he felt like God was asking him to talk to me. (We'd never met before.) Long story short- I ended up staying for a meeting and I'm going to be a part of the Core Team this year. During the meeting, the other youth minister who was running it (who I had met before) said that if the Church isn't making disciples, she's failing in her mission. What I heard: if Brittany isn't making disciples, she's failing in her mission.
After the meeting, there was a Holy Hour and I was praying about how crazy the whole week had been. I realized that real discipleship is what I'd been missing. I've spent the last three years of my life thinking my mission field was my work- with no real plan or ideas of how to go about evangelizing. To my credit, this is why Jesus sent the disciples out two by two, and I've been alone in this. I told Jesus, "if I have to be single for now (which is another story), I want to be doing this. I need to be making disciples."
I'd been thinking for two years that Denver would solve all of my problems: I'd have friends there, real friends who I could share life with, more convenient Masses and Holy Hours, accountability, roommates maybe. But looking back I feel like I just wanted to run away from here, because here is home and home is hard.
I called my best and told her all about my new plans, we were both so excited because God has done some crazy things in her life lately too. I told her the only thing missing now was a new job that would keep me here in Dallas, because I'm still really burnt out on my current one, and I need a new challenge, but I now actually feel called to stay here. With the big question mark in the job box, I started to be more open to other paths that I'd previously closed the door on. And what do you know... I met with a manager on Friday just to talk about a job she's hiring for, and she wants to interview me right away... as in... on Monday. The job she's hiring for starts in 3 weeks. The job is very similar to the one in Denver, it's just in the office over the phone instead of on site in person.
I haven't gotten an offer yet, but I'm SO confident that this is what God wants, and it's all starting to come together. I'll keep you posted!
Lord of the Harvest, have mercy on us.