Mini Life Update: I did get the new job, I'm very excited for it, and I'm sitting in a hotel room in Salt Lake City where I will have my training! I'm here with a group of people from Dallas, we went out to dinner and they're out having drinks now but I'm here in my hotel room writing to you. How extroverted am I, really?...
Anyways, you probably know that when I commit to something, I like to give it 110%. I'm diving head first into youth ministry. I never saw myself doing this, but I never saw myself single and almost 26 living at home either, so there you have it. I'm giving a talk at the core team retreat this weekend about discipleship. I haven't given a talk since FOCUS so pray that I'm not too rusty and that Jesus uses me.
I had a meeting with one of the youth ministers last week and I was expressing to him that I needed community. He said his wife just told him they were having people over the very next day and that if I was free I should come. So I did. And there were 5 couples and 8 babies and me.
Being a single Catholic young adult is the second hardest thing I've done in my life so far. (The first was fundraising my salary.) It's so lonely. It seems like most legit Catholics my age are married. I tried to act interested when the women talked about their kids sleep schedule or teething or whatever, so most of the night I sat there and smiled a big fake smile. I thought that with 10 well catechized adults we might be able to have some semblance of a conversation around things that mattered... or at least things that I think matter. I am 100% sure that the guy who invited me did not realize the position I would be in. But I'm also 100% sure that every wife who was there noted it immediately. They were very kind, but I still felt like a leper. I cried half way home. I wasn't crying because I was sad that I'm not married, but more because I felt embarrassed. I'm not sure why, but that's how I felt. Embarrassed that I was alone. Ashamed of my loneliness.
Also, I used to have this struggle in high school, and maybe it's returned since I work with all men, but I didn't feel like I could relate to the women at all. We're just in completely different places in our lives. The men work outside the home and have things in their lives that I can talk to them about. Both of the youth ministers want to evangelize the kids at our Parish. I could talk about that for days!
I am ambitious. I WANT to be married and stay home and raise lots of babies, but that's not what I'm called to do today, and while I'm waiting for that time to come, I want to accomplish things. I want to climb the corporate ladder, I want to gain knowledge and skills and get shit done. I want to see the world and I want to make a difference.
These women were great women and I'm sure they have a lot in common and a lot of fun together, they just didn't make an effort to make me feel like it's okay that I'm not there yet. I hope that I remember, if/when God calls me to that life, to constantly be inclusive of everyone around me, to keep learning and growing, to have hobbies. I think that will make me a better wife and mom.
St. Anne, pray for me.