Today I found out that we are going to have to put my dog down soon and my heart is just hurting so bad. She's only 7 years old but she's got a slipped disc in her spine and all of the cartilage in her hips has deteriorated. My mom doesn't want to see her in pain, and the surgery (that would attempt to fix her) is just really expensive. And she's a dog, so we have to be realistic and reasonable.
Part of the reason why I'm so upset about the whole situation is because she's so young. Part of the reason is because she and my mom just love each other so much. In a less emotional state I might tell you that dogs can't love because they don't have souls and they only act based on instinct. But today I will argue with you that they can and they do love.
I brought Bella home when she was just a baby puppy. She cried the whole first night because I tried to keep her in a crate. I couldn't handle the crying so I let her sleep in my bed and in the middle of the night if she needed to go outside she would wake me up with her little wet nose. It was the summer before my senior year of high school. The reason I got her was because I knew that while I was away at college, my other dog Angel would probably die, and I didn't want my mom to be alone. My mom was PISSED, and my Angel wasn't too happy either. Eventually we all kinda got used to having her around and Angel taught her how to be a good dog.
Angel made it all the way until the last month of my senior year of college. I came home for Thanksgiving and although she was old and started to go blind and was in pain, she put on a show for me and acted like the dog she'd always been. I knew I'd be back in a few weeks so when I said goodbye to her, I did so in a rush because she was fine and I thought for sure she'd make it so that we could have one last Christmas together. When I left she stopped eating and she died a few days later.
Thankfully, my mom had Bella to keep her mind preoccupied. Losing Angel was hard, but Bella's rambunctiousness and demand for tennis balls kept my mom busy. Now when Bella goes my mom will come home to an empty house. She thinks it will be fine but it's so hard for me as her only daughter to think of her alone all the time. Especially now when I feel alone so much, even though I'm surrounded by people all the time.
On top of all that, me being so emotional about this is making me realize how little emotion I put into my life. Nothing really makes me happy, and usually nothing really makes me sad. I'm on autopilot, and that scares the shit out of me.
Time is so cruel. It is the only thing that God has made that we haven't managed to screw up somehow, but it does terrible things to us. Young couples grow old and become separated by death or disease; little babies become raging teenagers. But it's all for a reason, and it all works for our good, even though we can't see it or feel it. The passing of time reminds us of the goodness in being still in the arms of the Lord outside of time. But while we're here, when we can only see the short term, let me tell you, it really sucks.
Jesus, please let Belly and Angel into Heaven with us.
St. Francis of Assisi, pray for us.