Two In One

 I missed posting last week (and yesterday) because I lost the charger to my laptop and had to order a new one 3 separate times to get the right one. The first one never came, the second was the wrong size (my b) and the third is Goldilocks. 

My therapist wanted me to journal about some of the things we've been working on. Over the last few months especially we've done kinda a deep dive into my childhood and what it was like being parented (or sometimes not) by my parents. 

One thing that's hard for me to do is criticize my mom especially because I truly do believe she did the best she could. But two things can be true: she did her best and had good intentions, and it still wasn't what I needed. I hope I remember that if I ever become a mom. I want to do my best, but I also want to be discerning of what my children need in "triggered" moments and try to be mindful that my best might look different from what I think. 

Ultimately, I think all of my wounds and sins stem from what Dr. Bob Schutts calls "unholy self-reliance." I learned from a young age to be self-reliant, and there were times that it served me well. There have also been times when self-reliance has led to me making vows that I can't rely on anyone else or trust anyone else, and those things simply aren't true.  

A vow that I'm working on renouncing now is that no one can take care of me as well as I can take care of me. Obviously, as a follower of Jesus, I have to believe that this isn't true. But it's difficult. 

I've also been going for both quality and quantity in my "consumption" of scripture. I'm trying to read 4-8 chapters of the NT per night in addition to my normal meditation on the daily Gospel reading. I just want to be so immersed in the Word that I can more clearly recognize the times and ways that my life doesn't line up with what I find in the Word. 

Help me, Jesus!