I love Jesus. And I love His Church. And I love His people!! But showing Him to them is so difficult.
All of my colleagues know that I am Catholic and that I used to be a missionary. But none of them know the significant impact that Jesus has made on my life and I know that I'm letting them and Him down.
It makes so much sense that Jesus sent His disciples out two by two. It is impossible to do this alone. The disciples witnessed miracles and lived their lives with Him, so I suppose I should take solace in the fact that not only did they, after having spent their lives with Him and for Him, denied Him at the Cross, but He also forgave them and now they're saints. What?! What kind of crazy god would do that?!
When I was a missionary, I was so sheltered by my lifestyle. I wasn't sheltered by my faith, and especially not by Jesus; my current colleagues are exactly the type of people that Jesus wants. In college and in FOCUS I had a goal: teach teachers to teach. So I sought out leaders who wanted to know more about their faith so that they could pass it on to others. But looking back, I for sure missed a few steps somewhere along the way. I was encouraging the girls I was working with to reach out to the lost and the broken, in their classes, in their dorms, etc., but I was sitting in a Catholic bubble directing other Catholics to go and reach the lost, instead of doing it right beside them. Now, I'm in the midst of the lost and the broken and I can't seem to spit it out: Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God, loved you into creation and holds your very existence in the palm of His hand with the slight chance that you might nod His way.
It doesn't seem so difficult. But my humanity gets in the way every single day. I have no support system to go home to, no partner in all of this. I'm not a part of a pair or of a team like the disciples were, and it is a daunting task.
As a sanguine, it took me a long time to develop my prayer life because I first had to realize that I was more than just the external. I had to develop an inner dialogue with myself before I could develop one with Jesus. I had to learn who I was on a deeper level, really. Since then, who I really am has always been more than what you see on the surface. Now, it's to a whole new level where I'm super protective of my interior life. I don't want to let anyone in, probably because I don't trust anyone to not break me. When you share a connection with people on a spiritual level, you build trust that doesn't exist in other relationships, and you're able to give your whole self. When the relationship is surfacy, you can't trust anyone with anything beyond what they see, so that's what they get. Even writing about stuff that's real in this blog is challenging sometimes.
Regardless, I have a feeling I'll have quite a long stint in purgatory because of all of these missed opportunities.
I'm not so proud to believe that if I don't say anything, these souls will die, because I know that God works in all things for our good. But He has me here for a reason, I think it's time for me to figure out what that reason is.
For now, since I can't seem to find the words to show Him to them, I'll show them to Him.
St. Peter and St. Paul, pray for me.