I think for a while now, I've thought that holiness meant you had your life in order. I would take all the junk and put it in neat little piles in my mind, and tell myself that I had it together.
I think I thought I had to fit neatly into a missionary shaped box to be able to preach the Gospel effectively. Femininity looked this way, evangelization looked that way, et cetera.
I must be out of my mind! It's all too much to live up to. My perceptions of other peoples ideas of holiness and how I didn't and don't fit in... why does it matter?
Hasn't God Himself provided as many ways to Heaven as there are people on the planet?
What an incredible weight lifted off of my shoulders!
For me to become holy, I have to become the "me"ist that I can be. God made me to be the best me, not the best anyone else, and especially not the regular anyone else.
Here's what I know about me: I'm opinionated; I have strong opinions and I like to share them. I'm intelligent AND emotional... but my mind rules my emotions most of the time. I am a woman. I like people and I thrive in small groups where people are openly communicating about things that matter. I like to read, and then discuss the things I've read. I love learning new things about God, myself, and the way things work. It takes me a long time to process the things that I'm feeling. I'm optimistic and I am tempted to forget about the bad and remember only the good; this can be both a gift and a flaw. I am loved by some of the most amazing people I could ever hope to be loved by. I get obsessed with things easily. My sense of humor is immature.
I used to think that the sign of one who has undergone deep interior conversions would be a person who never does or says anything offensive, never speaks of anything but this doctrine or that, never tires of praying.
I put my foot in my mouth often, I geek out on finance stuff, and sometimes, I get bored in prayer.
There you have it. I am real. And I love Jesus fiercely.
I'm rough around the edges. Praise God.
St. Thomas Aquinas, pray for us.