In case you don't know, I am a list maker. I love lists. I love crossing things off of my lists. I love organization and being on time and having my crap together.
It seems like more and more I've been wanting to compile a list of all of the things I need to do in order to "get my crap together." Do you ever feel this way?
I've refrained from making said list for a couple of reasons, the most important of which is this: I know I can never finish it. The best part about finishing the things on a list is throwing the list away, and I know, with this particular list, I'll never be able to do that.
I am a mess, let me just tell you that. It seems like every time one thing in my life starts going how I think it should, another area falls to the wayside. For example, I finally get in a routine of flossing my teeth, and I stop going to the gym. Or I start studying as much as I need to, and I slack in my prayer life. Or I finally get my finances together, and then my room is a wreck. These are just hypothetical examples... haha. The thing is, I don't want to have it all together to show other people that I do in fact have it all together, I just want to have it all together for my own peace of mind. But there certainly aren't enough hours in the day to go to the gym, lay out in the sun, make home cooked meals, study for the Series 7 and work a ten hour shift.
I got the opportunity to pray for a while before Mass today and I was thinking about all the things that I want to do, all the ways that I want my life to be. I'm not sure why I spend so much time thinking about these things, especially because I know I'm not trying to earn love, it's impossible! We can't merit the love of God!
Maybe the reason I spend so much time pondering these things is because I know I'm not done. I'm not finished growing, maturing, learning to love and be loved. It seems like every time I go to the Lord in silence I'm reminded that He loves me too much to leave me where I'm at. I know that God doesn't necessarily care that my laundry isn't finished or that my teeth haven't been flossed, I guess I just need to spend more time thinking about how I can become holier, how I can love Him better, and how I can bring Jesus to those around me, and less time trying to just get things done. But it's easier said than done, because chores can be crossed of the list, holiness will always be a work in progress.
I am so glad that I serve the God of Second Chances.