A Quality of Beauty and Intensity of Emotion

Hello, blogosphere.

It seems I've been away for a while, my excuse is that I no longer have internet at home, and I prefer not to blog from my phone.

I've been busy lately- preparing to move (location: still unknown) and praying that God will grant me many opportunities to concretely trust Him and His will.

I'm looking actively for a new job, within my company for now. I've found the job that I want, my current dream job, and I've already had my HR "screening" interview. It went very well but I'm concerned that the HR Staffing Consultant isn't fully aware of what my current job entails, so that makes me nervous, especially because we ran out of time and she didn't ask me many questions about it. Long story, short: opportunity to trust God.

There is a job opportunity in Raleigh, NC and I would LOVE it there, I think. This is the first time since I started my finance career that I feel like I've really given the reins to Him to help me make decisions. I know what job I want, I know that I want to move, I just don't know where He wants me or where I want to be, so I'm trusting that He will direct my path. On some level I feel like God might be calling me to Nashville, but there are no jobs open there, so I'm going to leave that one up to Him.

I'm also intentionally taking time to accomplish tasks on my 30 before 30 list.

I recently started a new/revamped an old skin care regimen and have been trying to make exercise a part of my daily life. Katelyn and I are preparing for our 5k in two months, so I'm trying to run 3 times per week (trying being the operative word) and I'm successfully doing a dumbbell/strength training/toning work out on the off days. The weight workouts don't make me feel as accomplished as the running, but it's good to have balance. My skin care regimen is a game changer. I'm actually taking off my make up before bed, moisturizing, and falling asleep much faster. (Could also be due to lack of internet.) My process starts with cleansing with Cetaphil, then I use the calming kit from Dermalogica. My capillaries are very close to the skin in my face, which is why my cheeks are red a lot. The calming kit has really helped, and even with my sensitive skin, the Dermalogica works great. I spray my skin with a calming serum, then I use their anhydrous moisturizer called Barrier Repair. I follow that up with some eye cream, and voila, ready for bed. I think there is rosemary and lavender in the serum, which really calms and relaxes my skin and my mind. So there you have it.

In addition to those things, I've been trying to write more. One of my 30 before 30 goals was to write poetry every day for a month. I decided June would be great because I knew that if I did this in the fall, I would only write about the weather, because fall is my favorite season. I'm learning a lot about what's important to me. I spend 80% of my day talking and thinking about things that I would never write about because in the grand scheme of things, they just don't matter. That's an eye opener. I  have spent the majority of the last few days writing about my vocation and the rough draft poems really communicate a sense of longing, which I suppose is pretty central to who I am right now. Last night I wanted to go a different direction, so I scribbled some thoughts about the seven deadly sins.

#scratchpaperpoet

Poetry is really interesting. I suppose I should have read more poetry before I decided to become a scratch paper poet, but I thought if I did that I may just have been trying to rip people off and copy their stuff, and I also wouldn't feel good about my own writing if I was comparing it to the likes of Emerson, Poe, Frost, and David the Psalmist. I'm learning a lot about myself and I'm only 6 days in. This was the original objective of the goal, so I'm happy with it.

St. Anne, pray for us. 

Women: Are we just naive optimists?

So you all know that I work with a whole bunch of men.

I feel like a lot of the men I know (from outside of the office) would be completely scandalized if they heard how the men at my office talk... to each other, to me, about their wives, about women they hardly know.

Today, two of my teammates had a conversation (which I was obviously listening to as we had just had a conversation about a different topic) that sounded like this:
Guy 1: Oh yeah, ______ (girl's name)... I wonder what she's doing now?
Me: She's a manager in another department.
Guy 1: Oh my gosh what if she became our manager...
Guy 2: Yeah that'd be crazy.
Me: Why? Half of the population is women, you know.
Guy 1: Because she's so hot, that would be awesome.
Guy 2: I don't see what the big deal is, but you would never get any work done.
Guy 1: Yeah so true.... I'd be staring at her ass all the time.
Me: What would your wives think about this conversation?
Guy 2: Oh they don't like it... they know.
Guy 1: Yeah... our wives get mad when we say stuff about women.
Guy 2: Yeah, it's like they actually believe there are men out there who don't do that.
Me: I mean....
Guy 2: See! You're a woman, of course you probably believe that too, but let me tell you.. EVERY guy thinks about this stuff and talks like this.
Guy 1: Yeah our wives are just like you, but let me tell you, I've NEVER met a guy who doesn't.


Relatively speaking, this was a pretty tame, PG Rated conversation compared to the other things I've heard. I don't want to be spoken to or about that way, and I would be even more upset if I heard anyone talking that way about my friends. Why is a woman's body so much more valuable to men than her mind? And for these men who are married, what makes them think that they can objectify another woman and that their wives should be okay with it because they're committed to their wives minds and bodies and souls. Am I the only woman who would be really upset if my spouse made a comment about another woman's body, either to me or to anyone else?!

What really frustrates me is their understanding that this is how it is and has always been, which is used as an excuse to perpetuate it.

So now I'm of course thinking the worst about every guy I know, because here I was all along thinking the men in my office are a particular breed of hedonist. Someone prove me wrong!!!

St. Joseph, pray for us.

Life is Hard and God is Good

Anyone remember that verse of St. Paul's, which ends simply and beautifully, "to die is gain."

Sometimes I'm reminded just how true that is.

Backstory:
A few weeks ago I got to visit three of my bests, Caralyn, Laura, and Katie in New Orleans. We all lived in Auburn during college and now they live there and I live here alone without them, story of my life. Anyways, Sassy (Caralyn) is in charge of this really cool event called Night Fever. It's an event that happens all over the world on the same day, a few nights per year, where the doors of Churches in public areas (Cathedrals in Copenhagen, London, Chicago, etc.) are opened to the public for a few hours, and people are invited to come in and pray, light a candle, and sit with Jesus during Adoration.

I had the opportunity during Night Fever to sit at the front of the Cathedral and pray for those who were coming in. By the end of the night, there were so many candles lit that it was almost as bright as if the lights were on. I was so amazed at the different people who came in, some dressed for a wild night out in the French Quarter, others with their families... all stopping in to the Church to give a nod to their Creator and the Savior of the World. Based on the reactions that I saw, I was so in awe of the way that Christ made Himself known to them in that moment. I thought that most people would come in, light a candle, and leave without ever knowing that they'd come within feet of the Living God in the Eucharist. Some did that for sure, but so many others had an obvious and visible encounter with Jesus. All it takes for God to forgive a sinner and change a heart is one little glance toward Him, and I know that there were many people who saw God face to face that night... it was really cool to witness. It made me think of the many many many times that I've been face to face with Jesus but never really knew it was Him, or if I knew, I didn't acknowledge or experience Him in a real way. I received Jesus in the Eucharist for years before I knew it was Him, and these people, seemingly random to me but definitely chosen by Him, knew that something was different about that place and that Altar. The beauty of the Cathedral points in one direction, and that is to Jesus on the Altar. Praise God.

All that being said, I just sat there and prayed for people. When I lived in my little Catholic Bubble, I used to think that it was crazy that people would live their lives as though they owed nothing to anyone and could just do what they wanted without regard to others, to the poor, or even to the salvation of their very own souls. When I saw people coming in from all walks of life, all cultures, sexual orientations, backgrounds, languages, social classes, etc., I was just so convicted that life, any and every single one, is sacred. Also, I just spent time reflecting on just how difficult this life really is. I didn't know any one of the things these people prayed for... but I did know that every one of them had their own battles and their own Crosses that were a heavy burden which Christ wanted to carry for them. Even if they let Him take on that burden for one moment in time, it is all worth the effort of the Night Fever volunteers.

Front Story:
Last night one of my dad's cousins was killed in a car accident. She and her husband were on their way to pick up their daughter from college and the weather was bad and the car was crashed. I don't know many details except that her husband is in critical condition and she was killed in the wreck. As I've been thinking about her family and praying for her soul, I've been surprised that I'm not sad for her. I'm definitely sad for her family, losing a loved one is never easy, and especially when it is tragic and unexpected. But as for Elaine, I'm not sad. In fact, I feel happy for her. I was just leaving a friends house after a concert when I found out and I went directly to be with Jesus. I prayed for her soul, and I felt like I could tell that Jesus was happy to be reunited with her. People die too soon (or so we think) every day... but it's only those who are left behind that we should feel sad for, not the one who gets to return to their true home in the arms of Christ.

My grandmother is taking it particularly hard. I think its because she feels like she's ready to go, and Elaine was so young and could have had so much life ahead of her. But God is the Father of this family, and He decides who comes and goes and when. Life is hard and God is so good. He knows when we've had enough, even if it's difficult for others to understand.

Please pray for the holy souls in Purgatory and pray that my grandmother and God will be reconciled before it is too late.

St. Christopher, pray for us.

Productivity!

Soooo I'm getting pretty bored with my job. It's just a beat down sometimes.

My one year in this department is up on June 1st, and I am counting.down.the.days. I'm beginning to apply for jobs next week- please pray for me to know and do God's will- there are some potential big life changes coming, hopefully soon.

My team is generally in the office from 7:30-4 ish... and while my boss usually rolls in around 9:30 and wouldn't notice... I really need to be at work at 7:30. Even after a year, this is almost torture for me. I'm not, and I'm pretty sure I will never be, a morning person.

After yet another boring and uneventful Monday, I wanted to come home and do nothing but veg. Walking out of the office, I thought "I shouldn't do anything tonight.. I'm too tired." But I'd previously made plans and I'm not a plan breaker, so I went along. Ciara and I went to Mass, and prayed at Adoration for a while after (her first Adoration experience, completely unexpected because I didn't know they had it after this Mass). We were planning on going running after Mass, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Plus it was raining. So I asked God to please let it keep raining so that we wouldn't have to go running... and almost immediately after the sun came out, along with the eternal sign of the covenant God made with Noah, a huuuuuuuge, beautiful, bright rainbow.  So running we went. Two miles later and back home, I feel awesome. I'm so glad I went and did those things I told myself I didn't want to do. I know He's good about the big stuff, but Jesus is faithful in the little things too, isn't He? Love that guy!

You might be thinking, "wow, Brittany, I had no idea you were a runner." Slow your roll, I can assure you, I am not. But if you remember from that pesky little 30 Before 30 list, I made a goal to run a 10k... so in preparation, Katelynn (teammate from when I lived in Florida) and I are running a 5k color run after a wedding we're going to this summer. I'm sure I'll do a few more leading up to the 10k which I hope to be done with by December. THANKFULLY I had my wits about me to make a goal to run a 10k and not a marathon like someone else I know.. ahem.

Jesus, my Good Shepherd, have mercy on me.

The Wisdom and Grace of a Mother

They say that children are the path of salvation for their parents; that through the sacrifices of parenthood, mothers and fathers become saints. 

My mom isn't like most moms, I think. It's not her fault, mostly... she never had anyone in her own life be a real mother to her, and she didn't have my dad around to help her become a parent either. But it sure is hard to be a daughter to someone who doesn't know how to be a mother... even 25 years later. 

Everyone knows that parents sacrifice for their children. In that respect, she's done her fair share and more for me. Lord knows that is true. She's worked hard to provide me with the life she wanted me to have, and I grew up with opportunities that a lot of kids couldn't even dream of. 

Every time I do something she disapproves of or (more often than not) don't do something that she wants me to do (could be anything as simple as not folding a load of laundry, to something more weighty like going away to college), I hear about all the sacrifices she made for me. She often calls me ungrateful, and rightly so, I am... aren't all children? None of us truly knows how much our parents do for us, how much they love us, and how much they give up for us. But isn't that the point? We can't know until we're parents ourselves, I think. 

Before I came along, she was a bartender, drove a porsche, and even well into her thirties, tried to live the glory days of the 70's. She didn't have any reason to grow up until I came along. I was completely unexpected (her doctor told her she'd never have children due to her severe case of endometriosis) and in an instant her life changed. 

Then I grow up to become a Catholic missionary, and all of a sudden all of the sacrifices she'd made weren't enough... on top of everything I wanted her to be holy. That's a lot to ask.

When I think of myself as a mother, I hope I can take some of her good qualities: her work ethic, her drive, her perseverance. And I hope I can leave others behind: her insistence on getting her way, her stubbornness. I also pray that I will have a partner in parenthood who supports me and loves me, so that I can be free to love our children and sacrifice for them, without the need for them to understand the weight of those sacrifices. It is surely too difficult and too important a task to do alone. 

St. Margaret of Cortona, patroness of single mothers, pray for us. 

2000 Years and Counting....

The Church is so amazing.

Tonight I went to the Vigil Mass with two of my former roommates. One has been Catholic her whole life, the other will become Catholic at Easter next year.

We heard a brief reflection on the Road to Emmaus, one of my favorite parts of the New Testament, which clearly tells the order of the Mass in which we still participate today.

Then the visiting priest shared a little about his mission with us. There are so many people in the world, and just as many paths to Jesus. No two people experience Him in the same way, and no two people will become holy in the same way. The Church, in Her Wisdom, knows this to be true.

The Holy Spirit inspires men and women, clergy and laypeople, all over the world to be the hands and feet of Christ. When I was a missionary on the battlefield of the college campus, I felt called to be there to love God's people and help them to love Him back.

There are so many battlefields, it's almost overwhelming.

The priest tonight ministers to those who are in the circus, and traveling entertainers. Who on earth, except for the Holy Spirit, could have inspired a group of Sisters to decide to minister to circus acts?!! When Father first started talking about it, I legitimately thought he was joking. But it makes sense- where else would someone receive the sacraments if they are always on the road? How could a couple complete marriage prep or take the baptism classes?

 The group of sisters started in Northern Africa meeting needs of nomadic aboriginals and gypsies. How insane and awesome! They eventually spread throughout the world and focus their time and energy on those who are constantly on the go- for whatever reason.

The fact that there are so many people and different groups that need the love of God is overwhelming and amazing. The fact that the Church is already a thousand steps ahead of me is reassuring and joyful. It made me proud to be a Catholic.... your mega church might have some awesome missions to the poorest country in the world... but have you been able to recruit people to join the circus just to spread the love of Jesus? Didn't think so.

St. Thomas, pray for us.

A Quiet, Holy Thursday

So in anticipation of the stock market being closed tomorrow and of Holy Week, a few months ago I scheduled a vacation day today, just assuming I would have the day off tomorrow. In an effort to be more.... tolerant?.... my company has decided that anyone who wants to take the day off tomorrow can, but it will not be automatic for everyone.

Whatever.

So, as it would happen- I have a random day off in the middle of the week. My mom said I shouldn't have wasted a vacation day, which is why I'm not going to waste it! I have a few things I want to accomplish.

While the CFP prep work I had to do was a major beat down, it felt great working so hard to pursue one of my goals, and then seeing the fruit of that work so quickly (hashtag, instant gratification.) I'm going to spend the next three months focusing on a few other goals, and I'm excited to see my hard work pay off over time, and then immediately get to work on other plans. There are so many things I want to do before I get married, I'm not wasting any more time.

I think I'm so intent on getting these things done because I'm not fulfilled by my work or by a community here. I worry that I'm becoming someone who is too comfortable being alone, I don't want to become so dependent on myself that I do not depend on others, and especially on the Lord.

Last night I had a dream about a book I'm reading. That was interesting. In my dream I was scrolling through the pages trying to find a particular passage I read last night, having the most trouble finding it. I will write another post on that excerpt because it really hit home, but I want to have more time to formulate my thoughts.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life- what are you going to do with it?


Have a Holy, Peaceful Triduum.
Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom.